hmmm...

"...Penso que Meghan é uma cadela quente! ..."

Fourth place is A-OK!

Meet my new obsession.. Deco and Christiano.. Hot ..Portuguese meat!!!

Viva la France

I apologize, dear reader. I have been consumed with soccer lately. I have been faithfully keeping track of the World Cup.. and have had little time for anything else.. It is France and Italy this time around.. I kind of like Zidane. He has way HOT moves for an older guy!

I also caught the July 4th shuttle launch.. I have decided that would be MAD KEWL! I could totally fly one of those things.. It goes like 14,000 miles an hour. Apparently you could get to Spain in like 5 minutes.. I am totally looking into this!! More later. Be patient.

Where the heck is Ghana, anyways?????

What a complete let down.
Ghana smacked our ass!!! Beat us like the bitches we are.. And knocked us clear out of the World Cup.
In my humble opinion, it is because the MO FO Coach, Bruce Arena, didn't play Brian Ching.
Who is Brian Ching, you ask? He is only our Hawaiian secret weapon... A Superman if you will .
Shame on you Bruce.. It is your fault.. BOOOO!!

A boy band?? Are you insane!!!!!

I love me a man in uniform!

Khris & Jillian

This time, it is a little different.. My dear sweet brother joined the Army! He is off to basic training this week.. and I want everyone of my readers to say a prayer for him.. that he does his best and stays safe.. I might be taking a collection soon to send him some body armor.. maybe I could email that MO FO Bush.. and he could throw the kid some gear.. hmph.. Anyways..

GOOD LUCK KHRIS!

WE LOVE YOU!

Surprise!

Mocha Latte' Jet Almeida

I had a baby! A beautiful baby boy.. Thats why I have been so out of it, dear reader! He has been taking all my time and energy.. Totally love him.. LOVE LOVE LOVE... More news to follow.. with the official announcement and everything ..soon soon soon.. I will sneak you a peak... shhhhhhh!

We are still in it!

Eventhough, the United States has not scored in World Cup yet.... I will accept the 1-1 win.. Own goal and all..

..on to Ghana!

We MUST beat Ghana and Italy MUST beat the Czecks .. Then we are headed for Brazil.. UGH!

my neurosis continues...

I saw this special on A&E.. about this chick who thought that the President was after her.. and she was hell bent on talking to him.. Apparently, she was skitso.. The doctor said that a clear sign of this disorder was a strong desire to write letters.. to anyone and everyone about anything and everything..

hmm.

Here is my LATEST letter..

Scott,
I have to be honest..In the beginning, I felt bad for you.It seemed like the world was against you .. and your world was crashing around you... No one believed you and you were presumed guilty before your trial.I felt this way because I personally have a hard time believing that someone could possibly be so evil... How could someone have no heart and no soul.After watching much of the trial, I still wasn't convinced. How could someone take a life(two lives really) and destroy an entire family?I recently read For Laci and things changed.If ½ of what Sharon wrote was true.. My perception of people and this world has been drastically altered.Based on the way your parents are and the way they raised you, it is now very clear that evil does exist and it is alive and well (?) in San Quentin Prison. How are you able to sleep at night knowing the destruction you alone have caused? I am not a freaky religious person, but I do believe that life is a precious gift .. and you decided to rip that away from your wife.. your child.. and her family. How dare you Scott Peterson. How dare you.
Sincerely,
(insert name here)

I is a kewl bitch,eh?

Hey bitches. I scooped People. They paid like $4million for these photos.. and the mooster got em for ya first.. LONG LIVE THE MOOSTER!

UGH

I had the WORST expereince today. THE worst.
I went to the podiatrist to have my nail-less toe looked at. It still kind of hurt.. and I needed it to be tended to.
When the "doctor" examined me.. she said I had 2 options.

1. We could leave it alone..
2. We could kill its ability to ever grow a nail.

I didn't want to be a freak.. (ok.. freakier then normal) I opted to "leave it be" .. The doctor said she could clean up the nail bed so we could start fresh with a new nail.. I said that would be good.. And it was like slow motion.. Because I closed my eyes for like a second.. and when I looked again.. She had this HUGE elephant dart like needle that she was jabbing my toe with.. I yelped and she only responded with.. "Yeah it hurts, huh?" Before I was fully able to recover from that violation.. She took PLIERS and ripped off the remaining nail.. RIPPED OFF!! I was light headed from seeing my toe gush blood and from a weird feeling that I was in some sort of bad mob movie.. "You have made the boss very angry.. "

As she finished the "procedure" I voiced concern about when I regained feeling in my toe.. what was I to do if the pain hurted like a bitch.. She said take an aspirin.. AN ASPIRIN!

I must admit, dear reader, I took 2 vicodin.. and things are looking cool-i-o! But Kaiser still SUCKS! Peace Out!

Say it ain't so!

Low and behold.. Nic has not been waiting for me to free myself of my commitments.. he apparently has a girl. I don't like thinking of him with a girl.. because I have loudly answered YES to each and every time he has asked.... ARE YOU GONNA BE MY GIRL? I kind of figured we had a commitment .. hmph. I mean I don't tattoo just anybodies name on my ass.. I must however, tell you that it delights me that the girl is not some model type ..but a sweet brown eyed girl.. kinds sorta looks like me if you squint and look real fast.. If my research is correct, she is a bit of a sports nut.. LOVE HER!

You don't know me!

I am soooo Elaine! After a boat load of trouble getting an appointment at the MO FO Kaiser, I finally was awaiting the doctors grand entrance.. with my moose paw exposed .. waiting for a lil TLC..

I shall rewind, dear reader, to bring you up to speed. About 5 or 6 years ago, I traveled up to SF to a welcome home celebration for my dear sister. For the past 3 days, she had been walking from San Jose to SF to raise money for breast cancer.. I never really knew anything about the event until that day.. And the whole experience overwhelmed me. I got this weird feeling in my gut that I wanted to be a part of this.. I made a promise to her to do it with her the following year. .. Of course, the end ceremony is beautiful.. all the shit before it is what sucks. In preperation for this walk, I started walking .. and walking.. and walking. To be honest with you, I was sick of it.. I hated it. That is why people made cars, so you wouldn't have to walk ridiculous distances. In the process of training, the shoes I selected, were poorly designed.. and the shoe box was rubbing my big toe the wrong way.. I ended up losing it. (my toe nail, not the toe) To this day, the toe never has quite been the same. Fast forward to last week.. The toe was looking more funky then normal.. was swollen.. and hurt like the dickens. I got in to see the doctor (finally) and he was fixing me up. As we were wrapping up our appointment, he asked when the last time I had a tetnis shot.. Honestly, I don't ever remember having one. I asked why. He said something about rusty nails and lock jaw. hmph. I don't like shots.. So, I told him that I JUST Had one the other day.. Being the smart Doctor type that he was, he knew I wasn't being truthful and said that he recommends that I get it... I howled.. I don't want it.. He looked at me , pen in hand, and said.. Well.. I can note that you refused this.. I suddenly got a flash Of Elaine and Uncle Leo.. and being forever branded a "difficult" patient.. sniff sniff.. Its hard enough dealing with Kaiser being a good patient, let alone a difficult one. I got the shot & it STILL hurts..

P.S. The mo fo really did nothing for my toe. I have an appointment at the Podiatrist next week..

Monster baby meets youngin

Treasures found

Doesn't daddy look super cute?

Daddy was cleaning the ol' computer out.. and freed this photo from long ago. This was taken on our 1st wedding anniversary.. We spent the day on Alcatraz..

Note for friends.. It is a mountain you must climb.. no trams .. grr.. don't wear hot new boots.

I agree madam chairman.. She is a 'tard

I originally opened up the chronicles to comments thinking I would get nothing but accolades.. "Oh Moosey, you are SO funny.." "Moose, where do you come up with this stuff??"

I actually got a "WTF" .. I was horrified.. I don't deal with criticism well.. I immediately sank back into being alone with my thoughts.. and I would blog for my own enjoyment.. Then, a dear reader reminded me that The FAB Nic Cester could not say the word to me.. and get NICCESTER.COM from me, because he had no way of contacting me.. I feverishly reactivated comments.. hoping I didn't miss Nic's visit to the blog.. UGH.. Little did I know, I set the comments up wrong.. UGH.. sorry .. perdon.. Please forgive my indiscretion!
MERCI BOU COUP!

Silly Billy Jilly

Yes.. I am a 'TARD

Ever since little Jillian was born, it has become my routine to drive up to the city to visit my sis and see little Jilly. I can't imagine not seeing the little peanut.. Even after 1 week, so many changes have occured.. I can't imagine if it were longer.
This very weekend, me and little Brendan journeyed up to see the babe.. and had lunch at a family favorite, Fresh Choice. As we were sitting there, enjoying our table full of grub, out of the corner of my eye, I spied an interesting scene. A hip "Nic Cester" type was eating solo .. while reading a novel that I owned.. (The Devil Wears Prada).. I thought the whole sight was a little funny. .His many interesting meal time activities became the topic of our conversation . I decided that I would snap his photo, to share with you, dear reader.. We planned the picture perfectly, as My sister and the baby posed ...he was turning the corner.. What do you think, dear reader? Is he a cutie patootie, or what?

Reader .. meet Charles

I inherited him from my grandmother when she passed. This was her prized possession and I am delighted to have him. He was given to my grandmother by my late grandfather. Charles LOVED my grandmother.. He doesn't really have the spark he once did .. and he seems to only tolerate me. I have made it my mission to give this 15 year old guy the best possible life imaginable. I traded in his shanty of a cage for a mansion. Every bird toy made is in this cage. From a wee abicus to the pink perch pictured. .. I even went as far as to cut out a picture of another bird from one of the toy packages.. I wanted Charles to have a friend.

Many of the toys promised a natural remedy to over grown beaks... See, a bird's beak is kinda sorta like a finger nail.. without proper use and or grooming.. it would grow and grow. I took Charles to the doctor the 1st day I got him .. and they trimmed his little beak WAY down.. I figured he was a healthy old bird.. Fast forward 4 weeks.. and I noticed that the beak again had grown far too long and was impeading his ability to eat. I freaked, of course.. and made an emergency appointment at the vet. I squawked at the 52.00 exam fee.. but soon realized that I was lucky to get any doctor in the office the Friday before Memorial day. I brought old Charles in and as soon as the vet layed eyes on him, she said he wasn't right. He was lathargic and thin.. and she plucked him out of the cage. After peering into his mouth, she reported that he had a ferocious infection.. She said it was probably Claymidia.. wait, what? How did MY bird.. dear old Charlie get an STD? I mean he is nice looking and a bit of a flirt.. but he isn't a playa! Apparently, in birds.. this is a viral disease that isn't transmitted via sex .. I was relieved.. how would I explain this one!
He has had a battery of tests.. and is now on MEDS..$170- later .. ...
Say a prayer, dear reader, for lil Charlie..

Have you fallen? and can't get up?

That would be the only reason I can imagine that YOU would not honor me on my BIRTHDAY!

Today is May 25th. If I have not received a birthday gift from you yet, you are officially a loser. Seriously! I sent out memos .. reminder cards.. save the date magnets... What is your excuse? It certainly cant be that you forgot!
After much thought, I have decided that the reason for your horrifically long delay is because you cant decide what to get me.. Never fear, dear friend.. here is a list.. I know that money isn’t an object.. so, feel free to get a couple of the items listed below.. No need to wrap.. just send ASAP..

A 2 (wo)man inflatable kayak. Preferably a Coleman

Provence perfume by Clean

A Jonathan Auton filter for my shower filtration system (sephora)

A few shares of Starbucks stock

Pink dog cowboy hat from Gussied Up Dog Boutique (for Chino)

A Team Denise XL t-shirt from www.shopkitson.com

Naked DVD starring David Thewlis

AS SEEN ON TV doggie steps for Chino to get on the bed

A case of Kretschmer honey crunch wheat germ

The Earthquakes franchise

4 new Michelin tires for my mom’s jeep

2 tickets to a Galaxy / Dynamo game plus a gas card with enough cash to get me down to LA and back


That’s a good starter list.. Don’t you think? I will ponder it a bit more and add if necessary.. Get cracken folks! If more time elapses, you are not only a loser.. but the value of the gift MUST increase! I am thinking of you!! Peace OUT!

Does anyone know if the bag factory is hiring?

Today, my little Vic became a Top Gun.. An officer AND a gentleman, if you will.. He strapped himself into a Navy JET.... He flew mock G or faster then the speed of sound or something.... over the Monterey Bay.. My little Vic got a little sick during the dog fight.. So, he unfortunately got killed.. I don't think he will be called up to duty anytime soon..
Although I can TOTALLY see us in a remake of AOAAG.. "lift me up where we belong.. where the eagles fly.. on mountain high.. "

un mas bebe photo..

You want happy ending, I do for you!

Tonight, I went to my "salon" to get a cut and color and I think I might have either been touched in a naughty place, or I might now be dating the shampoo boy. It really could go either way.
Before I sit down with my stylist, Mylan... her assistant, Shannon (A man, baby!!!) takes me over to the basins to wash my frock...Things were going well... We exchange pleasantries and he begins the process...
First he wets my hair.. and then squeezes some shampoo into the palm of his hands.. He starts rubbing the shampoo into my hair and then all of a sudden his touch changes.. He starts massaging my temples..I close my eyes.. He then slowly.. rythmically, moves back to the crown of my head.. . I can feel the sensations in the tips of my toes.. up and down.. back and forth..this goes on for literally 15 minutes.. He rinses.. and then repeats this with the conditioner.. My eyes have rolled back into the bowels of my brain... Magic fingers man is a GOD.. when he is done, I giggle with a teenage angst.. I feel a little dirty.. tee hee.

I couldn't make this crap up!

So, as you may remember.. I had a bit of a romance brewing at Starbucks. (as much of a romance as a married ol' lady can have) Almost every morning, I would exchange a smile with this fetching young fellow as I splenda'd my Americano.. and he creamed his house blend. Because I was away from work for so long, the romance chilled out.. I hadn't seen "house blend" for sometime...

All that changed this morning..I was sitting at the light on Trimble... All of a sudden, I noticed that my darling "house brew" was directly behind me in his Mazda Convertible.. I got a little excited.. and felt a little tingley.. Days usually turn out pretty cool after our "encouters".. I patiently waited for the light to change, so I could flip a bitch and high tail it into the Bucks .. It took an eternity, but as soon as I made it to the lot, I hopped out of the car and didn't even look his way..When it was my turn, I happily ordered my Americano.. and stepped to the side to await my beverage .. After a few moments, I coyly scanned the crowd .. and couldn't find him.. Where could he be? hiding behind the display.. that little devil!!! Just then, someone came right in my line of vision.. For some reason, I looked them square in the face.. to my horror.. My dude.. MY "house brew" looked like a lady! I admit I threw up a little... and felt a little woosy! I was able to regain my composure.. and I shuffled out of there as soon as my name was called.. "House brew" apparently spent the month or so we were apart getting reassignment surgery!!!there he (she) was.. in a skirt.. sandals with his big ass man feet hanging out the back..his big hairy toes had a french manicure.. a MO FO butterfly clip in his once sexy tausled hair.. AND a kerchief strategically tied over his Adams apple.. ugh ..

Mental note: If I see "house brew" again, ask where he got the killer pedi on monster feet

Quit your whining!

OK..OK.. I caved.. Dear reader, I do care.. and I do listen.. I was a wee bit afraid of any comments you might leave about my life, that I banned comments.. Now it is open season, dear reader.. g'head!

Say it ain't so!

Please realize that I say this with a heavy heart.. and know that I truly do love this man.... body and soul.. But, at this point.. a good 1 hour into this movie, I do believe my darling Ralph Fiennes, has JUMPED THE SHARK.. For those that are not in the know.....

Jumping the shark is a metaphor that has been used by US TV critics and fans since the 1990s to denote the tipping point at which a TV series is deemed to have passed its peak. Once a show has "jumped the shark," fans sense a noticeable decline in quality or feel the show has undergone too many changes to retain its original charm.
The phrase was popularized by Jon Hein on his website, jumptheshark.com. It alludes to a scene in the TV series, Happy Days, when the popular character, Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzarelli, on water skis, literally jumps over a shark.

I will go watchthe end of this "film" and report back my findings.. I pray, dear God, it turns around!

Mental note: The WHite Countess is NO Constant Gardner..

Jillan K Calendars Avail soon!

OOh La La!

de bebe iz de cutes' bebe in ze wurld, no? Ze bebe cood eazalee bee on ze French Riviera sipeeng Ze Cappachino wit ze jet set! Se Manifique!

I totally freaked out... AGAIN!

So, I was looking at google to find more info on the ultra fab Gavin Belfour.. and when I searched for him.. I got a link the chronicles.. Totally freaked me out!! Who knew I was on search engines?!?!? I have arrived!

Seek and ye shall find...

I am a freak about things.. (no, really).. Lately, I have been noticing this totally hot guy in a bunch of different commercials.. First Napster.. then Verizon.. and now some weird HP hedge movie.. I SCOURED the internet and found out who this tasty little morsel was..

Meet Mr Gavin Belfour..

Kinda sorta looks like Mr Nic Cester, huh? I guess this is my type.. wonder where Vic fits into it.. hmmm.. ANYWAYS! I think I should become a detective or something.. or a bounty hunter.. Like Dawg.. I already have the lingo down, all right bragh!

I can be cheap when I need to be!

I have a feeling that SOME people believe that I am too free spending with MY money.. To some, 26.00 is a bit too expensive to spend on a tube of lipstick .. NOT ME!!! (HELLO it's Chanel)
I do, however, try and save money where I can.. Case in point.. we went to the SF Zoo to celebrate my mothers birthday.. Me, Ma, Jill and Shan.. Here was the perfect opportunity for me to save some $$$ .. instead of spending 12.99 on a fab headband for the kid.. I snuck it on her head and snapped a photo.. cha ching.. 12.99 SAVED.. Way vute,huh?

Irish Eyes are smilin'

I think Jillian is becoming too HOLLYWOOD!

No Photos..PLEASE!

Fab Bebe

No not Kevin Bacon!

Hello dear reader.. It has been awhile.
One thing about me, when I am sad.. I like to be alone. I appreciate your understanding.. and will eventually be my old self.

Just to prove to you that I am in fact on the mend..


This very night, I happened upon a documentary about this fellow who decided he would get a date with Drew Barrymore in 30 days .. He has had a crush on her for sometime.. (pre ET) and decided that he could use his unemployed time constructively and figure out how to get a date with her ... I have to say he was pretty ambitious.. He utilized his connections and played a little round of 6 degrees of separation.. (you know, dear reader.. the idea that everyone on this earth is connected by just 6 people.. ??) Anyways, As I watched this strange fellow chasing his dream, I was reminded of my own dream.. Meeting the uber fab Nic Cester.. If this putz could get to Drew, why couldn't I.. a certified Hot Tamale.. at least swap some spit (ala french kiss) Mr Cester??
Hmm.. I've got it.. Lets do the 6 degree's of separation, shall we?? I need NAMES!

...What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet...

Final score Dynamo 5- Rapids 2 ..

4 of them were scored by none other then Brian Ching. I hate to say it, but yes, I am a dynamo.

The Benadryl Diaries

The one truly excellent aspect of having debilitating allergies.. is the wondrous wave of euphoria you can gain from taking a few pinks. Pinks are the fabulous OTC's that eradicate those nasty allergy symptoms by completely and totally knocking you into unconsciousness.. When I am in this state, my mind is able to paint vivid.. life like images.. and when I awake, it is as if it weren't a dream, but an experience in an alternate universe. This very weekend, I found myself in such a haze that I had a glorious dream.. Let me share it with you now. ...

I remember that I was told that a special concert was arranged for me to see Jet. I got to this club and many famous people were milling around.. Duran Duran, Peter Scolari, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson.. The show kept getting post poned and I was finally called over by the clubs manager, who had some news. I of course knew that they were going to cancel the show. As I headed over to him, he announced that the show would begin NOW. Out came Nic Cester and Cam Muncey.. and they came right up to me and started to sing to me. I cried.. I couldn't believe that this was happening for me. As the show winded down, they invited me backstage to meet their families. Nic introduced me to his dad, and it suddenly occured to me that Nic was very young. He would not tell me his age...but I guessed it to be 13. He introduced me to his 15 brothers and sisters.. I continued to grill him about his age.. and he wouldn't tell me. They gave me some socks.. and I signed an agreement they could use me for the show..

Without question...

New York New York .. Here I come.

Apparently, the wildly Hot Mr Fiennes is appearing in a Broadway SHOOOOOW. (Faith Healer) I want to go.. I need to be in the front row, opening night..

Bravo.. Bravo.. Mr Fiennes .. Bravo.. Who me? Of course I will join you for a drink at the Rainbow Room.. Oh.. Mr Fiennes, we just met.. I cant run away with you.. HMPH..

ANYWAYS, Mr Fiennes recently broke up with his, in my opinion, OLD girlfriend.. He needs some young blood.. Maybe he can show me a trick or two to impress Vic. I just saw him in Shindler's LIst.. I know, I know.. it took me long enough.. But I did see it.. and he was wildy insane. I was gripped by his performance. GRIPPED. But I must say, with no disrespect to my many Jewish readers.. (Shalom)

He looks WAY HOT in A Nazi uniform..

LONG LIVE K-FED! and TOMCAT!

I am getting the hang of this whole baby sitting thing

Yesterday, I headed up to the city to watch silly billy Jilly.. It was franklin's birthday.. and my sissy wanted to take him out on the town..
I headed up there about 2p.. My sissy had to hit the market before their big date.. primarily to get me some grub.. That is how she "pays" me for the sitting.. Feeds me a good dinner.. ANYWAYS. San Fran has some weird stores.. The one Safeway is kinda sorta by Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park.. and its this weird building attached to a prking garage.. So, we head into the garage and find a spot in this dank corner.. As I head to the door, my sister (wilth Jilly strapped to her belly) goes on a mission to find a cart. If I knew it would be a mission, I woulda done it for her.. but she is one determined little chick-ey. Anyway, as I am standing at the door, this fellow asks me for some spare change.. I make the cutomary.. OH SORRY face.. and pat my pockets.. I respectfully acknowledge his existence.. and say no.. and scan the perimeter for my sister.. He quips in.. "come on.. I am so hungry.." AGH! what am I suppose to do.. I know I have a wad of cash in my purse.. My $150 purse.. two thoughts come to mind..
1> How can I be such a tight wad and not give this dude a dolla..
2> if he sees my purse and my wad this mo fo is going to steal my purse..

I look at him and say HOLD ON.. I take 3 or 4 or 10 steps away from him and pull a dollar out of my purse.. I ask him if a dollar would work.. ( I Mean he was asking for spare CHANGE) .. He says..OH YEAH.. I hand him the dollar.. and then quickly stammer away... He tells me that if ever I need him to come find him and he will do anything for me.. (Where is my sister?!?!?!) and then he looks both ways and says.. Hey, I also got some GONJA.. want some? HUH? (what the mo fo is GONJA?) I finally figured out .. Yes, he IS hungry but it is in fact the munchies.. He is a DRUG DEALER! Holy Shit.. I sweetly decline .. BUT THANKS! and decided to quickly GET my sister.. as I walk toward the ramp to the parking garage.. there she is with a trusty cart .. I grab her and quickly shuffle her past my new friend... agh agh agh..
So, we shop.. and it seems really odd that there are like a MILLION young kids in this safeway.. like in PACKS. We kinda decided there was something going on at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park.. Maybe a green day show.. or maybe a beastie boy festival.. We thought it kind of strange that many of them had on these orange BATTLECRY sweatshirts.. we decided that they must be cheerleaders .. and they were having some sort of competition. To be honest the little mo fo's were just loitering in the aisles and I was LOUDLY telling them to get the "F" out of the way.. !!! ARGH... We ran into a million more of these gangs of kids in the parking garage.. and along the street.. What was going on???When we finally got back to my sisters PAD.. we looked up on the internet .. and found out this weird freaky pep rally was being held at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park .. it was for the youth of america to FIGHT against popular culture?!?!?! huh? What the F?? Are people just going insane or something? Then I thought.. wouldn't it be the coolest ever if my new gonja selling friend got a few of these kids to partake in his contribution to popular culture.. ???

At Rex Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times.

Did you know that I am Irish?
I have been to Ireland and kissed the Blarney stone. If you are unfamiliar, It is a slab of rock located on the top of a castle.. the story is, if you lean backwards.. and plant a smooch on it, you will be 'blessed' with the gift of gab.. It will be no surprise to you, I am sure, that I must have smooched the damn rock a little too long.. because my "gift" has gone HOG WILD. I talk and talk and talk.. (no way! way!) Sometimes it is kewl.. you can have an awesome time with people if you are open.. however, sometimes, I can say something stupid and hurt someone's feelings. Today that happened. The problem is that I am not sure which one of my lame comments did the damage.
My latest victim was James.. (Isn't she cute?) I wanted to take this opportunity to say I am sorry James. I think you are a kewl beyotch.. and I never intended to hurt your feelings. Much love, sistah girl. Peace Out!

Cowgirl Chic!

OK.. Can you believe it? My bro in law went to Texas.. and brought this lil bitty cowgirl hat back for Jill...and the little monkey can even make this fricken hat cute.. Gosh I LOVE her!!! Oh, by the way.. Babysitting part deux starts filming on Saturday!! Stay tuned!

Erin Go Bragh!

March 17th is not only important because of the great St Patrick.. It is also the day my sweet nephew, Brendan, was born. Even though at 12 the little turd is taller than me.. He is the light of my life.. If I am never blessed with children of my own..Little Brendan will always have a special place in my heart. (I think it might be best if I don't breed with Victor.. but we will talk about that another day)
This past St Patricks, I took the day off work and headed to his school with my ma to pick him up. You know, spend a little quality time with the lad...
As I waited in the car for the bell to ring, I happen to be listening to the glorious rantings of a Mr Bubba the Love Sponge. He is a funny fellow who has a show after Howard Stern...
My nephew finally showed up.. and we began our journey home. Bubba was chatting to another fellow about carpets and drapes. Now just so you aren't led astray.. he was not talking about decorating, but the eloquent way to ask a fair maiden if the color of the hair on her head .. matches her kooch hair. Now, being a woman of the world.. I grasped the jist of the conversation and B-U-S-T-E-D a gut.. literally. Tears were welling up and I thought, momentarily, that I should pull over to regain my composure. My mother, in the rear of the vehicle.. also fell into a fit of laughter.. We both realized simultaneously that my nephew was also laughing.. and loudly saying.. carpet matches the drapes.... carpet matches the drapes.. Har Har..

Hmm..

In my messed up mind, I thought.. of course we need to explain this to him.. We cant have him saying this phrase to someone who might not know of his innocence..
I gently reviewed the facts.. Some woman, whether it be natural or through the help of the lovely Miss Clairol, change the color of the hair on their heads.. and the phrase merely inquired if that hair color matched a ladies cooter fuzz. My nephews eyes lit up.. and he began to laugh like I have never heard him laugh before... He wanted to call my sister and pose the question to her.. My mother thought poorly of the idea.. but I said, What the F**K! As the phone rang, he was formulating his devilish question.. I could see his little eyes dance in delight ... She finally answered.. and he let out a giggle before he could even say hello.. Finally, he blurted out.. Do your carpets match your drapes?? without missing a beat, my sister said.. I HAVE HARDWOOD FLOORS.. Little Brendan was dumbfounded.. Why hadn't it worked??
As he hung up with my sister, I reached my ma's place and they both hopped out. We waved goodbye and I figured the fun was over ...he would soon forget about "decorating with MEG".. Thank goodness, I thought.

About 5 minutes later, my phone rang... I answered to my nephew's booming voice .. "how is your cooter flambey?" ugh..........
I CREATED A MONSTER!

Mama Alves and her time in the pokie

Victor shared a little tid bit of Maria(My MIL) history that seemed to make the picture a little clearer.

Grab some popcorn, boys and girls, it is time for a story...

When Victor's Pa and Ma immigrated from Portugal in the 1960's they made their final destination San Jose, California. At that time, the practice of the city was to have new arrivals go to the police department and be fingerprinted so they could be given identification cards.
The couple proudly went at their designated time and proceeded to be interviewed for their ID cards. Maria was taken into a room alone for her interview and was asked a myriad of questions. She seemed to do well, until the Cop asked her if she had ever been in jail. She wasn't familiar with the word jail.. as her english was very limited. He threw out a bunch of words related to jail, in hopes he would be able to get across the question to her.. "Jail.. police.. crime..arrested?? " When she heard police, she happily piped up yes.. yes.. police.. jail. She was saying that yes she had in fact been to the local police station in Portugal before.. and not that she had been arrested.. but the cop happily checked the box yes indicating that she had in fact committed a crime. This is how the most delightful, Ms Alves.. Maria.. my MIL.. has a police record!!!!
Now if it was me, I would straighten the whole situation out.. but no, my MIL believes they will put a tracking device on her and search her cob-webby crevices for drugs..
Personally, if I knew that my inability to speak English had caused such a horrible misunderstanding (that has not been cleared up to this day) to take place.. I would take the time to learn the language...
Mental note: Take advantage of her inability to speak English ... Make annoymous tip to crime hotline about possible drug ring led by Mama Alves.


disclaimer: photo is NOT the real Ms Alves but an actor playing the part of fugitive Alves.

smelling like roses is a slight fabrication..

For some reason, the old system has been acting whacky. Maybe its the stress over granny or perhaps ..perhaps it was the "Krab" salad that I devoured at the fresh choice up in SF??? ..AGH!!! Who would have thought that you can't trust "Krab" .. what is this world coming too??!?!?!?

Whatever the reason, my most recent visits to the crapper have become quite eventful..

Just today, when I got home from work , I made a mad dash for the lavatory.. because... well, as Flavor Flav says, I had to drop the kids off at the pool...

(heavy sigh)


As I was doing my business, I could hear the MIL and the SIL talking.. When did the SIL show up?? (sister in law) I began to wonder.. if voices could be heard through the wall we shared, maybe my funkiness could somehow waft over into my MILs house..OH NO.. !!! I freaked out .. What am I going to do.. the picture I painted of what a delicate flower I am took so long to paint .. these freaks are going to think I am just like them!!!! I started to hyperventilate .. gasp.. gasp.. Just as I was about to pass out .. I realized that I had a book of Matches.. shew!!!
I lit the match ..let it burn a little .. let the sulpher eat the stink ... Then I had a bright idea ..I could safely drop the match between my legs into what I assumed would be a bowl of water.. I watched in horror as the match fell into a pile of toilet paper.. I was mortified as the paper quickly "whoooshed" into a flame ball.. It came creeping up to my cooter.. I lept up in a state of panic!!! Needless to say, my cooter is fine.. I just singed my cooter fuzz... and I can't for the life of me get the smell of burnt cooter out of the house.. Does anyone have any suggestions???.. hmm.

History and the thing about repeating it...

It really hasn't been that long.. Since I have spoken to you, dear reader, about the piece of ass actor, Mr Ralph Fiennes. But I can't help it!! I have been unfairly influenced. I am only SO strong, dear reader.. I happened upon my copy of the English Patient, and HAD to watch it.... I was trying desperately to catch my breath when he was in the desert.. and the sun lit up his awesome bod.. It pained me that a man could be so damn hot.. PAINED ME. I mean he promised that he would return for her and he did.. He came back for her..

Mental note: renew tanning salon subscription. Ralph might be more hot for me if I didn't have the whole albino skin thing going.

Back to the weekend... (la fin de semaine de merde)

Gran and Shan shopping for baby stuff before Jill was born

So, I ended up taking the entire week off work.. With granny in the hospital, I could not handle being at work.. Many of my "peers" seem to find stupid things important.. and it is difficult being in the room where yet another mindless discussion about American Idol is taking place..
The night granny got out of surgery, she was REALLY out of it.. I honestly believe she was mildly possessed by her nemesis "evil granny" (similar to evil baby when Shannon went out.. and I was alone with Jill.. But that is for another day..) She was in such pain.. she couldn't see anything BUT the pain.. I was glad to see she came through.. but seeing her like this was hard.. The next couple of days, she was in ICU.. and she continued to be in pain.... They had her in a morphine comma.. and she was barely awake.. Today, I finally saw Granny.. I mean, I have been there every day.. but she wasn't.. It is really scary to be without her.. and I do not look forward AT all to that day.. But, she is back.. She is terribly depressed because she has been in the hospital for a very long time.. But she was happy to see the Oscar's tonight.. Simple thing .. Made her happy. Keep praying.

merde!

pardonner mon français

Call me Paris. Ms Frenchie if your NASTY!

Why are all curse words considered French? Are the French just naturally bad? I ask this, because I wanted to start this post off with.. Pardon my French, but this weekend was shitty... and then I got to thinking, as I often do, about the whole idea about pardoning my French.. I only know 2 or 3 words.. (and 1 hot phrase ...vous le vous couche avec mois sei soi) and one of them isn't shit.. so, rather then expound on my shitty weekend, I went on a search and a journey..to increase my French vocabulary.. I want to know how to say shit in French, so when I say it.. I can honestly ask you to pardon my French.. How chic of me! hmm.. I will be back shortly with my findings...

In case there was any question...

Here, dear reader.. This fine Sunday, I popped my head out the back door to find this...


My MIL dancing with my pooch..

Yes, that is a Home Depot bag on her head..

How can I possibly compete with such womanlyness? I mean I don't even own a moo-moo...

Coming in at a strong 7..

When it comes to appreciating the beauty of the opposite sex, I tend to go overboard. I must admit, though... that my taste is ever expanding .. I blame my lady hormones that are coursing through my body.. I mean didn't someone say that chicks peak at like 35?? I am almost their baby!!!!
Anyways, for our new readers, let me briefly say .. I have a list of fellas that if given the opportunity, Vic has to look the other way.. The most recent addition to my list, Mr Tucker Carlson! He has this news show on MSNBC.. The Situation.. I like it.. I like his two cents.. I like his bow tie.. I like his devilish grin...I like the fact that he wears penny loafers and no socks ...and his pants creep up his leg like a flood might be just over the horizon... (sigh)

I also like this chick he has on from Air America.. She is a HOT lesbian.. and if I was so inclined, I would do her.. (heavy sigh).. I wonder if chicks count toward the list, or are they freebies??

Mental note: ask Vic.

Bon Jour-no Dear Reader

Dr Candy Pants

This week has been a tough week!!!
Granny went into the doctor to check on a pesky, lingering leg pain.. which turned out to be THROMBOSIS.. it sounds like an instrument in the highschool band, but apparently, it is a blood clot that formed in her leg .. In my grannies case it was very dangerous (heart condition and all).. They admitted her to try and get rid of the clots and figure out what was going on.. Thankfully, the super FINE cardiologist, Dr Candy Pants, was on the job and he started running a bunch of tests to figure out what was going on.. (he is real sweet and swarthy.. I think he might be Persian.. I wonder if I tell him my heart is aching.. he might tend to me??)
They found out that she had a major infection in her stomach that was eating away at her colon.. All day Tuesday they had to fatten up her blood so she could stand MAJOR surgery.. She had surgery late Tuesday night.. The surgeon was way cool and Mom and I were real confident granny was in good hands... she has been in ICU ever since.... her spirits are high and your prayers are appreciated..