Without question...

New York New York .. Here I come.

Apparently, the wildly Hot Mr Fiennes is appearing in a Broadway SHOOOOOW. (Faith Healer) I want to go.. I need to be in the front row, opening night..

Bravo.. Bravo.. Mr Fiennes .. Bravo.. Who me? Of course I will join you for a drink at the Rainbow Room.. Oh.. Mr Fiennes, we just met.. I cant run away with you.. HMPH..

ANYWAYS, Mr Fiennes recently broke up with his, in my opinion, OLD girlfriend.. He needs some young blood.. Maybe he can show me a trick or two to impress Vic. I just saw him in Shindler's LIst.. I know, I know.. it took me long enough.. But I did see it.. and he was wildy insane. I was gripped by his performance. GRIPPED. But I must say, with no disrespect to my many Jewish readers.. (Shalom)

He looks WAY HOT in A Nazi uniform..

LONG LIVE K-FED! and TOMCAT!

I am getting the hang of this whole baby sitting thing

Yesterday, I headed up to the city to watch silly billy Jilly.. It was franklin's birthday.. and my sissy wanted to take him out on the town..
I headed up there about 2p.. My sissy had to hit the market before their big date.. primarily to get me some grub.. That is how she "pays" me for the sitting.. Feeds me a good dinner.. ANYWAYS. San Fran has some weird stores.. The one Safeway is kinda sorta by Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park.. and its this weird building attached to a prking garage.. So, we head into the garage and find a spot in this dank corner.. As I head to the door, my sister (wilth Jilly strapped to her belly) goes on a mission to find a cart. If I knew it would be a mission, I woulda done it for her.. but she is one determined little chick-ey. Anyway, as I am standing at the door, this fellow asks me for some spare change.. I make the cutomary.. OH SORRY face.. and pat my pockets.. I respectfully acknowledge his existence.. and say no.. and scan the perimeter for my sister.. He quips in.. "come on.. I am so hungry.." AGH! what am I suppose to do.. I know I have a wad of cash in my purse.. My $150 purse.. two thoughts come to mind..
1> How can I be such a tight wad and not give this dude a dolla..
2> if he sees my purse and my wad this mo fo is going to steal my purse..

I look at him and say HOLD ON.. I take 3 or 4 or 10 steps away from him and pull a dollar out of my purse.. I ask him if a dollar would work.. ( I Mean he was asking for spare CHANGE) .. He says..OH YEAH.. I hand him the dollar.. and then quickly stammer away... He tells me that if ever I need him to come find him and he will do anything for me.. (Where is my sister?!?!?!) and then he looks both ways and says.. Hey, I also got some GONJA.. want some? HUH? (what the mo fo is GONJA?) I finally figured out .. Yes, he IS hungry but it is in fact the munchies.. He is a DRUG DEALER! Holy Shit.. I sweetly decline .. BUT THANKS! and decided to quickly GET my sister.. as I walk toward the ramp to the parking garage.. there she is with a trusty cart .. I grab her and quickly shuffle her past my new friend... agh agh agh..
So, we shop.. and it seems really odd that there are like a MILLION young kids in this safeway.. like in PACKS. We kinda decided there was something going on at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park.. Maybe a green day show.. or maybe a beastie boy festival.. We thought it kind of strange that many of them had on these orange BATTLECRY sweatshirts.. we decided that they must be cheerleaders .. and they were having some sort of competition. To be honest the little mo fo's were just loitering in the aisles and I was LOUDLY telling them to get the "F" out of the way.. !!! ARGH... We ran into a million more of these gangs of kids in the parking garage.. and along the street.. What was going on???When we finally got back to my sisters PAD.. we looked up on the internet .. and found out this weird freaky pep rally was being held at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park .. it was for the youth of america to FIGHT against popular culture?!?!?! huh? What the F?? Are people just going insane or something? Then I thought.. wouldn't it be the coolest ever if my new gonja selling friend got a few of these kids to partake in his contribution to popular culture.. ???

At Rex Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times.

Did you know that I am Irish?
I have been to Ireland and kissed the Blarney stone. If you are unfamiliar, It is a slab of rock located on the top of a castle.. the story is, if you lean backwards.. and plant a smooch on it, you will be 'blessed' with the gift of gab.. It will be no surprise to you, I am sure, that I must have smooched the damn rock a little too long.. because my "gift" has gone HOG WILD. I talk and talk and talk.. (no way! way!) Sometimes it is kewl.. you can have an awesome time with people if you are open.. however, sometimes, I can say something stupid and hurt someone's feelings. Today that happened. The problem is that I am not sure which one of my lame comments did the damage.
My latest victim was James.. (Isn't she cute?) I wanted to take this opportunity to say I am sorry James. I think you are a kewl beyotch.. and I never intended to hurt your feelings. Much love, sistah girl. Peace Out!

Cowgirl Chic!

OK.. Can you believe it? My bro in law went to Texas.. and brought this lil bitty cowgirl hat back for Jill...and the little monkey can even make this fricken hat cute.. Gosh I LOVE her!!! Oh, by the way.. Babysitting part deux starts filming on Saturday!! Stay tuned!

Erin Go Bragh!

March 17th is not only important because of the great St Patrick.. It is also the day my sweet nephew, Brendan, was born. Even though at 12 the little turd is taller than me.. He is the light of my life.. If I am never blessed with children of my own..Little Brendan will always have a special place in my heart. (I think it might be best if I don't breed with Victor.. but we will talk about that another day)
This past St Patricks, I took the day off work and headed to his school with my ma to pick him up. You know, spend a little quality time with the lad...
As I waited in the car for the bell to ring, I happen to be listening to the glorious rantings of a Mr Bubba the Love Sponge. He is a funny fellow who has a show after Howard Stern...
My nephew finally showed up.. and we began our journey home. Bubba was chatting to another fellow about carpets and drapes. Now just so you aren't led astray.. he was not talking about decorating, but the eloquent way to ask a fair maiden if the color of the hair on her head .. matches her kooch hair. Now, being a woman of the world.. I grasped the jist of the conversation and B-U-S-T-E-D a gut.. literally. Tears were welling up and I thought, momentarily, that I should pull over to regain my composure. My mother, in the rear of the vehicle.. also fell into a fit of laughter.. We both realized simultaneously that my nephew was also laughing.. and loudly saying.. carpet matches the drapes.... carpet matches the drapes.. Har Har..

Hmm..

In my messed up mind, I thought.. of course we need to explain this to him.. We cant have him saying this phrase to someone who might not know of his innocence..
I gently reviewed the facts.. Some woman, whether it be natural or through the help of the lovely Miss Clairol, change the color of the hair on their heads.. and the phrase merely inquired if that hair color matched a ladies cooter fuzz. My nephews eyes lit up.. and he began to laugh like I have never heard him laugh before... He wanted to call my sister and pose the question to her.. My mother thought poorly of the idea.. but I said, What the F**K! As the phone rang, he was formulating his devilish question.. I could see his little eyes dance in delight ... She finally answered.. and he let out a giggle before he could even say hello.. Finally, he blurted out.. Do your carpets match your drapes?? without missing a beat, my sister said.. I HAVE HARDWOOD FLOORS.. Little Brendan was dumbfounded.. Why hadn't it worked??
As he hung up with my sister, I reached my ma's place and they both hopped out. We waved goodbye and I figured the fun was over ...he would soon forget about "decorating with MEG".. Thank goodness, I thought.

About 5 minutes later, my phone rang... I answered to my nephew's booming voice .. "how is your cooter flambey?" ugh..........
I CREATED A MONSTER!

Mama Alves and her time in the pokie

Victor shared a little tid bit of Maria(My MIL) history that seemed to make the picture a little clearer.

Grab some popcorn, boys and girls, it is time for a story...

When Victor's Pa and Ma immigrated from Portugal in the 1960's they made their final destination San Jose, California. At that time, the practice of the city was to have new arrivals go to the police department and be fingerprinted so they could be given identification cards.
The couple proudly went at their designated time and proceeded to be interviewed for their ID cards. Maria was taken into a room alone for her interview and was asked a myriad of questions. She seemed to do well, until the Cop asked her if she had ever been in jail. She wasn't familiar with the word jail.. as her english was very limited. He threw out a bunch of words related to jail, in hopes he would be able to get across the question to her.. "Jail.. police.. crime..arrested?? " When she heard police, she happily piped up yes.. yes.. police.. jail. She was saying that yes she had in fact been to the local police station in Portugal before.. and not that she had been arrested.. but the cop happily checked the box yes indicating that she had in fact committed a crime. This is how the most delightful, Ms Alves.. Maria.. my MIL.. has a police record!!!!
Now if it was me, I would straighten the whole situation out.. but no, my MIL believes they will put a tracking device on her and search her cob-webby crevices for drugs..
Personally, if I knew that my inability to speak English had caused such a horrible misunderstanding (that has not been cleared up to this day) to take place.. I would take the time to learn the language...
Mental note: Take advantage of her inability to speak English ... Make annoymous tip to crime hotline about possible drug ring led by Mama Alves.


disclaimer: photo is NOT the real Ms Alves but an actor playing the part of fugitive Alves.

smelling like roses is a slight fabrication..

For some reason, the old system has been acting whacky. Maybe its the stress over granny or perhaps ..perhaps it was the "Krab" salad that I devoured at the fresh choice up in SF??? ..AGH!!! Who would have thought that you can't trust "Krab" .. what is this world coming too??!?!?!?

Whatever the reason, my most recent visits to the crapper have become quite eventful..

Just today, when I got home from work , I made a mad dash for the lavatory.. because... well, as Flavor Flav says, I had to drop the kids off at the pool...

(heavy sigh)


As I was doing my business, I could hear the MIL and the SIL talking.. When did the SIL show up?? (sister in law) I began to wonder.. if voices could be heard through the wall we shared, maybe my funkiness could somehow waft over into my MILs house..OH NO.. !!! I freaked out .. What am I going to do.. the picture I painted of what a delicate flower I am took so long to paint .. these freaks are going to think I am just like them!!!! I started to hyperventilate .. gasp.. gasp.. Just as I was about to pass out .. I realized that I had a book of Matches.. shew!!!
I lit the match ..let it burn a little .. let the sulpher eat the stink ... Then I had a bright idea ..I could safely drop the match between my legs into what I assumed would be a bowl of water.. I watched in horror as the match fell into a pile of toilet paper.. I was mortified as the paper quickly "whoooshed" into a flame ball.. It came creeping up to my cooter.. I lept up in a state of panic!!! Needless to say, my cooter is fine.. I just singed my cooter fuzz... and I can't for the life of me get the smell of burnt cooter out of the house.. Does anyone have any suggestions???.. hmm.

History and the thing about repeating it...

It really hasn't been that long.. Since I have spoken to you, dear reader, about the piece of ass actor, Mr Ralph Fiennes. But I can't help it!! I have been unfairly influenced. I am only SO strong, dear reader.. I happened upon my copy of the English Patient, and HAD to watch it.... I was trying desperately to catch my breath when he was in the desert.. and the sun lit up his awesome bod.. It pained me that a man could be so damn hot.. PAINED ME. I mean he promised that he would return for her and he did.. He came back for her..

Mental note: renew tanning salon subscription. Ralph might be more hot for me if I didn't have the whole albino skin thing going.

Back to the weekend... (la fin de semaine de merde)

Gran and Shan shopping for baby stuff before Jill was born

So, I ended up taking the entire week off work.. With granny in the hospital, I could not handle being at work.. Many of my "peers" seem to find stupid things important.. and it is difficult being in the room where yet another mindless discussion about American Idol is taking place..
The night granny got out of surgery, she was REALLY out of it.. I honestly believe she was mildly possessed by her nemesis "evil granny" (similar to evil baby when Shannon went out.. and I was alone with Jill.. But that is for another day..) She was in such pain.. she couldn't see anything BUT the pain.. I was glad to see she came through.. but seeing her like this was hard.. The next couple of days, she was in ICU.. and she continued to be in pain.... They had her in a morphine comma.. and she was barely awake.. Today, I finally saw Granny.. I mean, I have been there every day.. but she wasn't.. It is really scary to be without her.. and I do not look forward AT all to that day.. But, she is back.. She is terribly depressed because she has been in the hospital for a very long time.. But she was happy to see the Oscar's tonight.. Simple thing .. Made her happy. Keep praying.

merde!

pardonner mon français

Call me Paris. Ms Frenchie if your NASTY!

Why are all curse words considered French? Are the French just naturally bad? I ask this, because I wanted to start this post off with.. Pardon my French, but this weekend was shitty... and then I got to thinking, as I often do, about the whole idea about pardoning my French.. I only know 2 or 3 words.. (and 1 hot phrase ...vous le vous couche avec mois sei soi) and one of them isn't shit.. so, rather then expound on my shitty weekend, I went on a search and a journey..to increase my French vocabulary.. I want to know how to say shit in French, so when I say it.. I can honestly ask you to pardon my French.. How chic of me! hmm.. I will be back shortly with my findings...

In case there was any question...

Here, dear reader.. This fine Sunday, I popped my head out the back door to find this...


My MIL dancing with my pooch..

Yes, that is a Home Depot bag on her head..

How can I possibly compete with such womanlyness? I mean I don't even own a moo-moo...

Coming in at a strong 7..

When it comes to appreciating the beauty of the opposite sex, I tend to go overboard. I must admit, though... that my taste is ever expanding .. I blame my lady hormones that are coursing through my body.. I mean didn't someone say that chicks peak at like 35?? I am almost their baby!!!!
Anyways, for our new readers, let me briefly say .. I have a list of fellas that if given the opportunity, Vic has to look the other way.. The most recent addition to my list, Mr Tucker Carlson! He has this news show on MSNBC.. The Situation.. I like it.. I like his two cents.. I like his bow tie.. I like his devilish grin...I like the fact that he wears penny loafers and no socks ...and his pants creep up his leg like a flood might be just over the horizon... (sigh)

I also like this chick he has on from Air America.. She is a HOT lesbian.. and if I was so inclined, I would do her.. (heavy sigh).. I wonder if chicks count toward the list, or are they freebies??

Mental note: ask Vic.

Bon Jour-no Dear Reader

Dr Candy Pants

This week has been a tough week!!!
Granny went into the doctor to check on a pesky, lingering leg pain.. which turned out to be THROMBOSIS.. it sounds like an instrument in the highschool band, but apparently, it is a blood clot that formed in her leg .. In my grannies case it was very dangerous (heart condition and all).. They admitted her to try and get rid of the clots and figure out what was going on.. Thankfully, the super FINE cardiologist, Dr Candy Pants, was on the job and he started running a bunch of tests to figure out what was going on.. (he is real sweet and swarthy.. I think he might be Persian.. I wonder if I tell him my heart is aching.. he might tend to me??)
They found out that she had a major infection in her stomach that was eating away at her colon.. All day Tuesday they had to fatten up her blood so she could stand MAJOR surgery.. She had surgery late Tuesday night.. The surgeon was way cool and Mom and I were real confident granny was in good hands... she has been in ICU ever since.... her spirits are high and your prayers are appreciated..

slightly sad

So, the hot beefy Jared did respond to my offer of a mix tape.. I have a weird feeling that this will be yet another unrequited love.. sigh..



My Email to Jared:

The sad thing? What do I do for fun? Talk to you!
I was completely honest when I said that I missed you.. the LIVE 105 type station on Sirius is Alt Nation 21.. and the DJ's are really bad.. I miss the little "relationship" I had with you..I would turn on the radio on my hellish commute home.. and you would make it soooo much better.. (ROOT!) With Dane Cook.. and Mitch Hedberg (how sad) and your HOT voice.. (sigh) the time would FLY! I would talk about you to my peeps like we was tight friends.. when I heard you today it all came flooding back.. And my little face beamed!
I would love to be your slightly insane, but totally harmless stalker.. you know .. send you mix tapes (like back in the day..) and love letters.. (I want to get a taste of your candy pants, etc..) Wouldn't that be sweet?

Much Love,
Meghan

PS Love that you are into Brunettes.. Alyssa is So HOT.. freaky website music, though.

His response:

You are sooo amazing. thanks for the love! It feels good. Warm and fuzzy like. Hope your day was good. Be in touch and thanks for tuning back into the FM!

- Jared




(did you notice I wrote like a novel.. and he wrote like a blurb? Poo on Jared.

LOVE me some Jared!

Jared/ LIVE 105 DJ

I was driving home.. on the 87.. as I usually do.. when, for the first time, dear reader.. NOTHING good was on Sirius to listen to.. Hard to believe, I know.. like a gazillion stations and not one that tickled my fancy.. Right at that moment.. I decided to visit my old haunt.. LIVE 105.. The voice of my dear old friend came over the air waves.. JARED .. Now, I don't know him personally but I do feel close to him. He has shared the commute home with me every day for what seems like forever. He is my kind of people.. and his taste in music matches mine exactly.. its freaky..
While he was talking about some silly topic.. I started missing him. Ever since I got Sirius, I NEVER listen to Terrestrial radio anymore. There isn't much point... Except, that is, for Jared. Jared is the hottest little monkey this side of the equator.. So, as I am driving.. I pick up the old cell.. and dial his number. Well, not HIS number, but the stations number.. 415-478-LIVE.. the number has been burned on my brain.. for years and years of trying to be the 10th caller.. sigh.. ANYWAYS.. My sweet Jared answers.. and I tell him that I can't lie.. I got Sirius.. and I haven't been listening to him for a long time.. But I went on to say that I miss him.. I really miss him. .. I spend like 1/2 an hour telling him what a hot little monkey he is.. I think I might have a new boyfriend.. I told him I would be faithful to him.. and not listen to ANY other "regular radio" personality.. I promised to be like totally monogamous.... i think we might be going around.. Maybe I will make him a mix tape..

Jill .. toasty warm

Time for NIC!

Hot.. come kiss me lips, huh?

Yes, it is true.. I am not perfect!

See I am not lazy, its just my eye

Today was my annual eye doctor visit. Its basically the same old story.. I get all crazy because my doctor insists on taking me for a ride.. I was hell bent on not spending any money..(no really) because I am really trying to be good and save money.. (I know, whats the point?? But, dear reader, I am trying to be mature!) I walked in with my head held high.. and he knocked me on my ass the 2nd I walked in the door.
Apparently, unbeknownst to me, the eye can tell a whole lot about whats going on inside the rest of your body.. My doctor, little Scott Feldman, had this really cool way of taking a picture of my eye.. from the inside out.. and he could tell me if I had some dreadful disease.. !! The only catch?? The insurance company doesn't cover it.. Hmm? What should I do.. I started to think.. maybe I have some disease that could be caught and cured for a mere 39.00 !! Isn't my life worth more? Of course.. Put it on my tab, I say.
(Took the test.. pictures look great.. Can I take a bad picture?? no problems)
I walked into the exam room.. and he immediately say my eyes look haggered.. He said they were all red and he needed to get me the new lenses that all the smart people were wearing..The new lens is called Oasis.. kewl!! (wait, where was I when this new lense came out? I am smart! I need this lense..!) Put it on my tab, I say!
The doctor then started lecturing me about how stupid I was for wearing eyeliner on my lower lid.. I yell back if John Cougar Mellencamp's wife/Model can wear it that way, so can I.. hmph.. he said.. HMPH? Apparently, it is blocking up my tear ducts and my eyes are really dry.. I need re-wetting drops, he says.. Put it on my tab, I say!
I walked out of the examroom, and was met by the PERKY office manager.. She said, you know, Meghan.. you are eligible for a free pair of glasses.. Now, I never ever wear glasses. I hate them.. I feel like I am in a box.. So, I said I didn't need them.. Then she said.. What about sunglasses?? Hmm.. What about sunglasses?? That would be so cool! When I want to run out and not put my contacts in, I can slap on a pair of dark glasses.. !! I said YES.. But I could hear my friend Lisa's voice in my head.. and I quickly said, Please show me ONLY what my insurance covers.. I thought I was safe.. I picked out a pair of Ralph Lauren jobbers.. and I was on my way.. NOT QUITE.. How could I order a pair of glasses without the scratch proof shit.. and don't forget the polaroid lenses thing.. Cha CHING.. My tab, initially ZERO .. was now up to 218.00!!! AGH! Can I not go anywhere without blowing my load??? My cooter visit is soon.. what in the sam hill are they going to sell me there? Sphincterine? butt plugs?? HELP!

Expanding my plea...

When people find out I L-O-V-E Howard Stern, they often ask why.. They usually say he is disgusting, degrading and not worth anything. I vehemently disagree with any and all negative things said. Why, you ask dear reader???? Because Howard Stern is me. Hold on,dear reader, I am not implying I am a 6'5 Jewish Man.. I am in fact, saying that he represents everything I am .. and everything I want to be.
As far back as I can remember .. The drum in my head has never quite gone along with anyone else's beat. I have always wanted to explore who I was .. and by doing so, I often find myself on the oposite side of the "popular" view. Howard says what he wants.. and isn't afraid of anything.... I want to be that kind of person.. Where my inner voice is the loudest.. and the one that matters most.
So, dear reader, I extend to you the same question.. What are you waiting for. GET SIRIUS!

Lisa.. what are you waiting for?

Wait, they have thorns?

As I turned the corner of my street.. I noticed Vic's car was in the driveway. Was he sick? Did the free 7ft tree come to life and maime him? Did pepper hump him into unconsciousness? Apparently, he took the day off to get things done.. He didn't tell me.. Maybe he was concerned I would rush home and expect him to spend time with me.. (sigh) Anyways, I came in.. and did my normal after work routine.. ate dinner (by myself).. took a shower.. (by myself) .. and then turned on the tele to watch the fab Greta Van Susteren on The Fox News Channel.. (did I mention she and I are email buddies??) Anyway, as I often do, I fell asleep.. and when I awoke.. at about 945 ..(had to get up and see Project Runway) I came out to the kitchen and found a dozen roses.. A day late.. and the MO FO ones with thorns.. BUT he did get something for me.. I wonder which one of my friends called and guilted him into this.. hmmm.. I can hear the conversation..
"Please Victor.. Get her SOMETHING.. She won't shut up .. Blah blah blah.. Damn, I will even give you cash.."
(heavy sigh)

I almost forgot to share!!

Dear reader, first let me say .. that my Starbucks Romance seems to be back on track.. and better then ever.. Even though my putz husband doesn't see my fab star qualities, my Starbucks lovah, has returned from vacation. I imagine he was in his (hopefully one day OURS) beach house upstate..

I will paint the picture for you..
I ordered my Venti Americano.. and patiently waited for the Barista to make my beverage..
All of the sudden, the door swung open.. and in walked candy pants.
I think I might have giggled with delight..
The Barista had to call my name several times, as I was in a goofy haze.
I mixed my 1/2 and 1/2 in.. and as I walked out.. I locked eyes with him.. and gave him a smile..
Come to think of it, it WAS a good Valentines day!!
Ciao.

Apparently Names are necessary.

In my humble opinion, those who believe that Valentines Day is a Hallmark holiday, are the dorks and losers who refuse to love a woman the way a woman should be loved.
As I walked into my front door this evening, I was met by my sister-in-law. She was walking down the path from my mother-in-laws house next door....She asked knowingly, "did my brother do anything for you?" And I asked her "what do you think" .. A conversation commenced about how she believed that men should not need a holiday to be romantic with their wives (this coming from a never-been-married 45 year old)..
I believe this is true, BUT ..hello? Vic ain't no Dean Martin.. he isn't looking deep into my eyes ..while belting out a tune about me being hot like Pasta Fazoole.. I figured I could count on 1 day .. 1 FRICKEN day a year where a little romance would come my way. Think about it.. The unromantic putzes have a fool proof holiday to score a few points .. EVERYTHING is prepackage and at every store..
Is it so difficult to think of someone other then yourself..? OK you dont believe in Valentines Day... But can't you take the time to make your wife feel special? Is that so much to ask??
I called Vic ...when I finally got inside.. (Linda, sister-in-law, is a talker.. blah blah blah quit my job to go on Star Search.. blah blah blah) and told him to call the florist because there was obviously a huge mistake.. as I had not received my flowers.. With a laugh, he said the tree was my gift. The tree you ask? Well it was a FREE tree.. that I arranged for..
I have to interject a little story here... my old office is closing .. and the word was out that all the old office plants were up for grabs. I snagged a 7ft HUMONGOUS tree.. and asked Victor to go pick it up.. (in his pickup truck) ..
I am a total believer in the journey being part of the gift.. but Vic didn't know about the tree until EARLIER TODAY! What does that tell you, dear reader? (heavy sigh)

Not naming names, but....

I BEST BE GETTING SOME FLOWERS TOMORROW..

NUFF SAID?

Seriously! What is the point?

All day I had to field the most annoying question imaginable..

"Are you going to watch the Grammy's?"

My standard answer, of course, was what is the point? Music, today.. is ridiculous. I absolutely abhor American Idol.. The mere thought that Kelly Clarkson was nominated.. sickens me. Music has become such a joke. A JOKE! I get so pissed when I want to talk to someone about music and they bring up some country monster or, god forbid, an American Idol "winner". (totally subjective term)

Rather then sit through the "show", which would inevitably irritate me more, I watched my new Net Flix selection. I am a new member of the Flix cult.. and I cannot be happier. I didn't want to subscribe because I thought it was a huge waste of time.. Boy was I wrong. The movie that I saw this fine evening was the End of the Affair .. my darling 3rd husband .. Mr Ralph Fiennes..plays the lead charectar (note to new readers, I am currently on hubby #1) The movie had an exceptional story,.. And Ralph Fiennes has got to be the kickenest piece of male meat out there. His eyes scream romance.. and his smoking lil bod could (and should) rock my world.. I only have one issue. I have noticed in ALL the films I have seen him in..(The English Patient, Maid in Manhattan, The Constant Gardner, Spider, Red Dragon..) his hands are freaky.. the thought of his delicate, manicured fingers touching my bod, kinda creeps me out..his fingernails are HUGE.. (ew)I am trying to determine if this is something I can overlook..There is something to be said for a pair of nice.. thick .. Man hands.. I have this sinking feeling that I will be Seinfelesque and obsess over the hands.. Damn.. look at his face though (see photo above) .. the hands are a distant memory ..and did I mention? they showed his ass in the end of the affair.. I want to take a big juicy bite!!! Its all meaty and tasy and DEEE-licious!
OK.. I have totally lost my train of thought.. where was I? Where is that pesky neutrogena dermabrasian thing... (wink, wink.. nudge, nudge)

Ribbit.. Ribbit!

As the 2006 MLS season approaches, the reality that the Earthquakes are gone is becoming real. I decided 1/2 heartedly to become a fan of Houston 1836 (lame name) because I love the players .. and love the sport. (The team didn't give up on SJ, the MO FO Owners did)
I took a look at the site, www.houston1836.com, and was a little crushed that the guys seem to be at home in their new digs.. There were already pictures, with captions that read.."Houston 1836'er goalie Pat Onstadt signs autographs..." or " 1836er forward Alejandro Moreno scores a goal.." I was a little tore up! As I wiped a tear from my eye, a new email came into my box.. (freaky coincidence) The email was an update from SSV. SSV stands for Soccer Silicon Valley... they are the fan based group that is working to get a new MLS team for San Jose.. As I read the email, I was delighted to find out that San Jose has a new MINOR league team.. The San Jose Frogs!! (who knew) They apparently play at PAL stadium.. which is my old stomping ground.. !! (heavy sigh) .. The Megster has some fabulous memories in that place.. (SHE SHOOTS, SHE SCORES!)
So, dear reader, one door might close..but another frog has come 'a' hopping into view.. Ribbit.. Ribbit.

A MOTHER'S WORST NIGHTMARE!

I say this with a heavy heart.. I think , my daughter.. Venti Cappuchino Doe-Almeida, is a trollop.

I was laying in bed watching Kathy Griffith's stand up special on Bravo. (she is one funny chick!)
I was seduced by the warmth of the room.. and the softness of the pillows.. I would laugh at one of her jokes.. and then fall into a semi asleep state... I was not completely out.. but my dear Chino thought I was in one of my benedryl induced comas and she decided to make her move..

I need to preface this adminition by saying, I forever blame Pepper for everything bad that happens.. Anything that can be attributed to a Canine- American, is Pepper's fault. How dare anyone even imply that my dear Chino would be even capable of dasterdly deeds!!!

ANYWAYS, I opened my eyes just in time to see Chino, the light of my life, my little pumkin butt ...hop down to the end of the bed.. where Pepper was laying.. and flop her fat little body ..belly up... right in front of Pepper.. Pepper, startled by the activity, woke up to little Chino's cooter right in his face! I had to stop the little harlet in her tracks .. Imagine if I hadn't! What would have happened? AGH!

What is a mother to do?

Jill is almost 3 months! Can you believe it??

Note shirt.. I LOVE MY AUNT..

Jill Adores Mommy

But can only handle daddy in small doses

Jilly is very flirty..

& already wants to drive!

She Loves to be the center of attention..

(Where does she get that?)

I love Jilly!

Wasting away

Yesterday was a pretty sad day. I came to the realization that my Starbucks romance was all in my head.. and that Vic was most likely never going to love me the way that I want to be loved. I asked him why he didn't like spending time with me.. and he said because I was annoying.. The man that is suppose to love me.. thinks I am annoying.. There isn't really any way to look at that word in a positive light.. Its hard to believe the 5 m inutes a day I spend with him could annoy him, but apparently it does.

What do I want, you ask? I want the kind of love in Brokeback Mountain.. Where the love is unavoidable.. and undeniable.. where you can't get enough of the other person.. and it tears you apart when you aren't together... Is that so much to ask?

I don't want to waste away waiting for it. This hot beyotch won't be a hot beyotch forever, you know!

The romance is over.

It seems that my Starbucks romance is over.
It has been several days, and Mazda convertible man is no where to be seen.
The last time I saw him, I was walking in.. and I held the door for him.. I think it was Tuesday...
I thought if I got there a little earlier, we could share the "waiting for our drink" time.. But, I didn't run into him at all.. and I must admit, I took my time adding the 1/2 and 1/2 .. and the Splenda.
Today, I didn't change my routine.. didn't hurry, or anything. Just kept it really mellow- Still no Hottie. What is wrong with me? I can't even have a successful unrequited crush? Maybe I should take those classes at Good Vibrations on how to be a lesbian. I think chicks are really cool and alot less trouble. They are pretty .. and smell good.. and soft.. and I think Vic would really like it if I was crushing on a chick.

Realization

Moose is normal habitat

Eventhough I am one HOT sexy beyotch.. I think I might be a little, dare I say, a little dull?!?!?
I say this, dear reader, because over the weekend I had lunch with my sister, her baby, her husband.. and 2 of their friends. My sisters husband is literally a rocket scientist.. and is NEVER at a loss for words.. This isn't a bad thing because he always has something interesting to talk about.. which keeps things fun. During lunch, everyone was chatting wildly about random topics .. Rich, one of the other friends, decided that he didnt know enough about me, so he asked what I was up to .. I HAD NOTHING! Now, If I am hanging out with telco people I am a laugh riot!!! (hey Lisa HA-CO?) but with rocket scientist, I am a dud! I need to get a hobby! Any ideas, dear reader? I am taking suggestions..............NOW.

First (of many) Revelations

Daniel V from Project Runway ..

Love him. Love geeky boys..

I discovered early in my married "life", that my personality.. the way that I am.. really wouldn't change. I guess in my head, being married meant that you became this weird type of boring mature adult. Now don't get me wrong... I love my husband with all my heart.. but if I want to obsess over unattainable rock stars or the cute boy at Starbucks, who's to say I can't? I know in my heart I will be married to Vic Forever.. (sigh) and we DO have a happy lil family.. (me,vic,pepper and chino..) But its time for me to be loud and proud

"My name is Meghan ..

(Insert, Hi, Meghan)

..Nic Cester and the Starbucks Man get my juices flowin..."

I think you are pretty well educated on who Nic is.. and if you arent.. SHAME on you!! So, here is the 411 on my other new Crush.. The Starbucks Man ...

I go to the Same Starbucks and see the same people.. Monday thru Friday.. SAME SAME SAME.. (are you getting this?) The other day, I noticed a nice change .. I was standing in line.. when I noticed this fella who had exceptional hair.. I mean I love MAN hair.. (not v carpets on the chest or "wait, he's naked? I could have sworn he was wearing a sweater!") Hair like on Anthony Kiedes of RHCP..or Michael Hutchinson (may he RIP) of INXS.. This Starbucks guy had beautiful hair.. the kind you grab and pull a little while you are smooching on him.. (HEAVY sigh) He dresses really sharp, too.. (not like he is doing it in the dark..) And drives a bitchin convertible.. Anyways.. ever since that fateful day, He smiles .. I smile..He leaves.. I swoon.. its sweet.. it gives me a little bounce in my step.. Like, hey I STILL GOT IT GOING ON.. BUT, dear reader, this morning.. he wasn't there..The Gods must be angry.. the world must be out of alignment.. My entire day was a BUST..

Please..Please...Please dear reader.. Say a prayer for me tonight that I may see my geeky boy tomorrow..

In case there was ANY question... Part deux

It has been well docuemented, dear reader, that I am insane, LITERALLY. I often wonder myself, if in fact, I have hit rock bottom. I am often surprised when I find I can go a little bit farther into the abyss of insanity.. I am sure you are aware that The very HOT Mr Nic Cester can send me into a Jizz-a-thon merely from his rythmic question, Are you going to be my girl.. I am sure you are also aware that the thought of Mr Cester's tongue in my mouth makes me black out from time to time.. (sorry Vic.. He is on the list!) I have yet again surprised myself. I don't believe I can raise the $85,000 in time to have Jet perform at my private function, so I decided to try a different tactic.. I will get Nic to come after me!! Here is my plan... I purchased the web address ... www.niccester.com .... I pointed it at this very page!! So, when Nic trolls around the internet.. He might find himself on this site.. Now, in my fantasy he will either (a) want to buy the address from me.. and I will GIVE it to him for a make out session.. or (b) he will see my pic on the site and fall in complete love with me.. I kinda like (b).. but I will settle for (a) .. Nic, my darling.. just say the word.. and I am yours!

Never happy

On Friday, I sat down with my manager and we went over my annual review. He is new to the department and his "take" on me is really unbiased.. he hasn't known me forever.. and he could really take a look at my impact on the office and what I could do without knowing all my history..
He started the meeting with numbers.. How I stacked up based purely on my stats.
(Just for the record, I hate numbers. It doesn't show the whole picture at all. All it shows is that you are a robot and able to keep up with the mans quota.. ) needless to say, I met everything .. I didn't exceed.. but I met.
He next went into what every manager I have ever had says.. "YOU ARE BEING WASTED.. YOU ARE SO TALENTED AND BRIGHT.. AND FULL OF LIFE.. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? " I wonder at what point I will actually listen and do what I was intended to do.. I think it is a huge risk to jump out of my comfort zone and be happy.. But then I look at that little itty bitty face.. little Jilly and realize you only have one life.. and why in the world am I wasting it? Bollywood here I come!

Come on.. The hat needs NO explanation! One question.. Does it come in Mongo size?

The unbearable lightness of being....

Most people I know think I am crazy. I often don't REALLY talk to people, because they can't really understand what is important to me. I am consumed with the idea of death.. and life.. and the fragile nature of it all.. For this very reason, I want so much for little Jillian to have the best possible life.. one filled with love and family.. The two most important things.. PERIOD. She will undoubtedly have EVERYTHING she needs.. Her dad is a rocket scientist, for chrissake.. But I am happy to be able to give her my time and love.. I just hope my friggen sister will unblock my number from her call blocking.. You can't avoid me for ever!! HAA HAA!

Dreams

When I was 16, I dated a fellow who was 24 (thanks MOM!) ..
On our first Valentines day together (Overall there were 5..) He rented an Officer and a Gentleman... I guess he wanted to impress the ladies (me) with his ability to endure a chick flick for the sake of romance.. I remember like it was yesterday, I was wearing the latest Contempo Casual semi-slutty, semi-respectable red "number" .. and we ate Chinese food in front of the tube. (heavy sigh) Little did I know, how much this night would change my life.. It wasn't really who I was with .. but what we did. Now don't get me wrong, Felix was a hot little monkey.. I mean, dear reader, I was 16.. and he was 24.. I was a blossoming flower.. and he had a high powered weed whacker!!! (sigh) ANYWAYS ....That night.. for the first time, I saw THE best movie EVER made.. Without question. I have wanted, since that day, to get a job in a bag factory.. and have a Richard Gere type fellow save me.. Where in this damn valley can a girl find a factory job.. I want to travel and meet interesting people.. ! (sorry I quote the movie sometimes)

Montage 2 -various memories to share

Yes, that tongue is mine! Don't you dig the Holly Hobby shirt?

This is my first known performance.. Note Granny in the back clapping.. I am a natural!

I JUST noticed that in both these pictures, I am in the midst of falling.. Is this predicting the future, or what?

Look at that smile! My sister totally had the "look" before Paris Hilton was even born!!

Me marrying Jesus.. Don't you dig the veil??

Photo Montage 1

You know dear reader.. You have been quite faithful and understanding when I was unable to provide you with a daily dose of Meghan..So, I thought you deserve a little treat. My history. It actually started because Lisa and I were talking today about a rather pivitol experience of mine.. One that, eventhough I was like 4, I remember to this day.. as if it happened yesterday. I thought it would be interesting to share THAT story with you.. Perhaps making us grow closer.. (me and you, dear reader) but I was unable to find the supporting picture.. and without the photo, I don't think you can grasp the magnitude of my experience.. you wouldn't really be able to fully understand my plight.. (heavy sigh) .. So, I decided to pull out a few photos that were my favorite.. and share them with you.. Hopefully this will tide you over until I am able to locate the missing photo and share the REAL history..

My breathtaking ma and me stunning pa