She does windows,too!

I am always trying to extend the olive leaf you to OLD Mother Alves, you know. I am a good person. :) (Really I am!) So, I offered the MIL a dollar a shirt if she would iron my work shirts..
(I hate to iron.. and she would have a little spending money)
She declined because she had terribly painful arthritic shoulders or something...SO, I was like poor thing.. So I went and bought a steamer.. and offered to do what I could..
Then ..Just today I saw the MO FO MIL up a tree.. literally!!! She was pruining trees out in the yard!!! WITH A SAW!

Wait, what was that?

As you may or may not have noticed, the Mooster has sold out and taken to allowing advertising on the chronicles. There was a promise made that the advertising would be geared toward you, dear reader.. Giving you links to a wealth of interesting topics...I guess the big computers at goooooooogle scan my daily entries and try and match my blog with there advertisers..
I was M-O-R-T-I-F-I-E-D today to see one of the ads that was in my blogs rotation.
I believe the copy was .. "Are you plagued with the smell of Urine?" .. wait, what? I wrote the entries and I am pretty sure that I would remember mentioning that I was plagued with the stench of urine .. (Does Paris Hilton's perfume smell that bad??) I will give you .. that on particularly hot days .. and with just the right pair of Star Jones mules on.. my feet can drive grown men to tears.. but I DON'T STINK OF URINE OR ANY SUCH THING!
I believe it is time to email that google guy and ask him what the deal is.. Is he trying to imply that just because I had an "incident" with a Starbucks toilet ..I have issues with my funkiness? agh!

Oh, its on now beyotch.

Vic and MIL circa 1970

So, I put up with a whole lot. My mother in law has basically decided, as I have told you before dear reader, that I am not good enough for her only son. She has taken it upon herself to step in where I have fallen short (In her opinion, mind you). She cleans.. She cooks.. (this of course is a judgment call.. I believe there isn't much cooking when it comes to fish sticks.. but I digress...) she monitors my coming and goings.. and generally rules the roost.. The Alves fortress (aka prison) .. On Saturday, I happen to be out in the garage.. (no cars actually occupy this building but the people from the city had to make this distinction to old mother alves so she doesn't rent it out to some poor shlub ) As I was saying, I was in the "garage" doing the wash.. well, my wash.. because Victor claims I don't do it correctly.. (Although I spied on his black shirt a mess of powdery residue after Queen mom did his wash.. HAA HAA!) after I changed the wet clothes into that big spinny machine that dries the wet ones.. MIL came at me and asked if she could ask me a question.. I said sure, I was in a particularly good mood as it was soccer Saturday.. she led me to the garbage can and pointed inside .. and asked in her broken English..."you .. put.. inside?" I peered down into the can and saw what appeared to be doggie poo.. I said, no.. (first I get yelled at for not picking shit up in a timely manner.. now she is yelling at me for picking it up.. can i win with this woman??) In my defense, the doggies go #2 way on the other side of the yard.. not by this particular can.. If I dont flush the "poo" down la toilet' .. then it goes in the can next to the side of the house that the "poo" is near.. I am not trotting around the yard with "poo" in my hand looking for a place to stash the "poo" ...(Although if I knew how much it annoyed her I would have) After I said, no... She looked at me with her creepy eyes.. one eyebrow POINTED UPWARDS.. and said.."WELL, IT GOT THERE SOMEHOW.."I was boiling, this beyotch was accusing me of lying to her.. I looked right at her and said.. "OK.. I didnt put the "poo" in the can.. but isn't that the place it is suppose to go?" and walked away.. I went into Victor.. and explained what had happened.. he of course took his mothers side.. and my soccer Saturday was ruined.. (Of course the boys in blue kicked Galaxies arse...3-1 but still!!!)

I HATE MY MIL!

You can turn Vic against me, but don't be calling me a liar and expect to get away with it.. I ain't one of your spineless kids who take your word as gospel.. You met your match lady! Its on!

emasculating pepper

In case you don't venture to my other sites.. (pepper's page and Chino's page).. I must share with you, dear reader.. the horrors of being left alone with our maid...(aka Victor's mother)
She is an immigrant from Portugal and has not had an opportunity to learn the language. You would think 40 years in the states would lend itself to a phrase or two, but who am I to judge?
As a non-english speaking person, she is hard pressed to find things to occupy her time.. Cooking, cleaning and wiping Victor's ass doesn't consume her entire day... so, she has started to violate the sanctity of Pitt Bull-dom. Being a Pit Bull usually means something. The mere mention of the breed often shocks some into silence. Victor's mother has taken to dressing up OUR Pit bull as a friend from the old country.. I must find this woman a friend ... a hobby.. SOMETHING! Pepper needs to be saved.. !!

Choke is a big boy now

Even though this appears to be a happy collection of chicken memorabilia, I must share its darker side. In actuality, this collection was started because of little choke. When I first moved into the Almeida estate, Mr. Almeida (God rest his soul) had a chicken. The sweet little thing would follow him around and was his companion. When Mr Almeida passed away, I took ownership of the chicken.. and christened him (her) Choke. Choke the Chicken.. At this time, we only had Chino .. and nothing delighted Chino more then to chase choke around the yard. Some believe that chickens can't fly.. I can tell you that on several occasions little choke was air born. (heavy sigh)
As the months went by, Victor started cleaning up the yard.. and eventually Choke's shed got torn down and was replaced by a smaller version. OK, it was a dog igloo, but Choke didn't know. He was under the impression we fell on hard times and had to downsize.
I think it was just all too much for Choke... Because he ran away. I can just picture him with a little sack tied to a stick, flung over his shoulder... Figuring it was time to hit the road.. The neighbors had a big chicken BBQ to try and cheer me up.. I didn't have the heart to go.
Instead, I set up this little memorial..for my poor choke.. He is on his own now.

Hot lil minx...

OK. So, in my office.. I often hear about being a sistah girl. I so want to be a sistah girl.. I have rhythm..!!!! I have style.. I have junk in my trunk!!!
I was able to infultrate the club thanks to my darling friend Tonya.. She has presented me with an honorary membership !!! Go Meghan .. Its your birthday!!! She is way cute and I totally think she wants me, but I will get into that another day. Sometimes she wears the cutest lil outfits.. Her hair is way kewl.. It does way kewl stuff, unlike my stick straight mess. Hmm.
Mental note...... Ask Tonya to go clubbin. She does the Beyonce scary good and can score us free drinks.

It is hard being me.......

Don’t be mad. Or jealous.
But I think I might have powers. Like Superman.
Today, during the first ½ of the Earthquakes game, well.. To say it bluntly.. They were sucking big time. They were playing really sloppy.
During ½ time, I decided to put on my Brian Ching Practice Jersey to
Bring the team good luck. I put the Jersey on.. The jersey that the BIG KAHUNA wore himself.. I stroked the shirt And said ..”come on baby.. you can do it..” and I swear.. As God as my witness.. Brian Ching scored!! (dang I am good) They went on to win 2-0.. No worries, I have put the Jersey in a safe place.. For the next time they need me.. I promise to use my powers only for good.. Hmm. I wonder how you become a member of the justice league.. I could totally car pool with the wonder twins..

How was I the proud owner of an Actual Brian Ching practice Jersey, you ask?
Well, have a seat and let me Tell you the story. At the beginning of the season,
rumors were swirling about The Quakes moving to Houston. (In actuality, they might still be moving.. most likely not to Houston thanks to Katrina and Rita, but somewhere other then here) The news really had me on pins and needles. The uncertainty of it all was (is)
Very stressful… A few days after hearing this news, I happen to get a letter from Alexi Lalas..
Alexi Lalas WAS the GM for the Quakes (he has moved on to the NY/NJ Metrostars) The letter basically wanted to thank me for my continued support of the team.. OK, it was a
Form letter.. But I took it personal. I was pissed. Don’t patronize me!!!
Being the computer whiz that I am.. I figured Alexi’s email address Was PROBABLY his name .. So, I fired off an email blasting his half hearted letter. No way was It going to smooth my ruffled feathers. I didn’t appreciate his meaningless letter. If my support was so appreciated, why weren’t they staying?? Anyways, this email generated a response from Alexi.. Apologies and the like.. I, of course responded.. And it turned into ..”I will forgive you if you give me a Brian Ching Jersey..” well, Alexi invited me into the GM box for a Game, we continued our email correspondence for several months, and ultimately he sent me the coveted jersey..
If you learn nothing else from me, dear reader, know that ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE!